My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
