How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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