she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
