I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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