if i can run in heels then i can drive
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
