Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
