i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
