those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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