My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
