somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
