can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
