I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
