i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
