I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize