I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
