I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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