We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
