i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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