he puts the penis in happiness.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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