Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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