I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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