I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
How does one acquire holy water?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
