That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
