Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
