you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
my liver is dry heaving
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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