I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
