Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Your dad touched me again.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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