when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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