I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
