Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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