sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
