Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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