I could make wine with my vomit
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sorry about my life...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
