it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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