Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Im part way to drunk.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
