You can't special order awesome
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
