everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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