i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
