How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
