why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
