sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
