Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
