His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
