i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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