went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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