Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
