Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
