my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
