Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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