My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
