I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
