I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
