I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
