Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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