You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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