Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
