I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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