i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
