Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
