I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
