I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
