She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
