rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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