the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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