i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
